Paralympics Routine - Let Me Know if You're Offended (except by the bits that are rude to David Cameron)
September 4 2012, 10:22 AM
What's all this fuss about Prince Harry? If I want to see a naked, ginger idiot, I simply look in the mirror? I'm allowed to be gingerist.I went to see the Paralympics swimming a couple of times in the last week. And I have to admit that any reservations I had about the quality of the competition completely evaporated when I saw the first race. It was a back stroke race and it was won my this guy with no arms - he's called Tao Zheng of China. This guy is fucking hard. Not only did he swim with no arms, when he gets to the end how does he stop? He bangs his head into the wall. Not by accident ON PURPOSE 'cos that's the fastest way to finish. Now that is some dedication. But I have to say, I don't think he's anywhere near as fearless and dedicated as our own prime minister David Cameron. He's so desperate to get a photo opportunity which might give the idea he's a human being, he actually turned up for 10 minutes to watch Ellie Simmons win the gold and then presented her with the medal. If I were David Cameron, I'd be ever so slightly worried about escaping with my life if I were surrounded by British disabled people, certainly I'd expect to be pulling prosthetic legs out of my arse for a week - "That's for docking my benefit you shiny headed fucker." It has been heartening though to see that Oscar Pistorius is capable of competing on a level playing field with able-bodied athletes - for the prize of being a bad-losing twat. "It's not fair" this is my South African accent "It's not fair, he ran faster than me, he must be cheating." In But there's dedication, and then there's dedication. Has anybody read about the guys who cheat in the Paralympic games? Has anybody heard about how they cheat? Apparently some of the athletes artificially elevate their heart rate by electrocuting their own testicles. I'm sorry. I don't intend to ever be that dedicated to anything. I love comedy. I really do - I'm never hooking my nads up to a car battery for it, even it if did get a laugh. Do you know what some of the side effects are of this particular method of cheating? Bleeding from the eyes - nose bleeds and stroke. Now this is just me. But if I was in a wheelchair. I'm not saying everybody should think like this. At I know we're making a joke about a tragic situation, but if I were in a wheelchair. I think one of the things that would be going through my mind would be "Well, that's me excused games FOREVER." I really don't think I'd be saying "Dad are you using the car, 'cos I was thinking of going down the gym with the battery." I realise that Paralympics is a touchy subject. Some comedians have got in trouble for telling Paralympics jokes. So I just thought I'd end with this.What's got a big ginger beard and 30 seconds to live? Frankie Boyle at a Gulf War veterans benefit. Thank you, good night.